This is the first time I send my kids to sleep away camp. Three have gone and one at home. For a whole month! I know they are going to have a super time. I know that they will be fine. I am not so sure how I am going to be.
It is hard though. It is hard to talk about your kids "problems". And I question it every time, it feels as though I come saying "hey here is my problem kid", instead of what I want to say "here is my wonderful, energetic, creative and going to be a great addition to his new group kid'" And he will, but I still believe that I need to warn them.
I present this list of potential problems, that may or may never present themselves:
He might take off in the woods without telling anyone, just because he is excited and you haven't paid enough attention to him.
He might wake everyone up at 6:00 a.m. because he was too loud, or worse he might not wake anyone up and leave on his own.
He might need his meds in the afternoon, or not, don't worry you can tell by 3:00 p.m., you'll just see it. SEE WHAT?
He will zig, when everyone else is zagging.
He will be extra loud, tease others more, be confrontational, seek out his brother and start bothering him incessantly.
I told them that a clue that he might not be doing so well is not about how he is feeling, because quite frankly, he is almost always happy and feeling fine, but that others will be agitated, annoyed and bothered by his behavior.
And despite being 11, and being told that those should be visual clues to him that perhaps he needs to either remove himself from the group or attempt to actually control his inappropriate behavior, he won't have a clue. There is a complete disconnect about how his behavior affects others.
We've have done art therapy, play therapy, behavioral therapy. The only thing that works is medication.
And I feel bad, I feel bad having to present him like this. Is this denial? I can't live there, I would like to, but I don't think it is the responsible place to be.
In the end, I hope that he has a positive camp experience, and makes friends.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Saturday, July 31, 2010
An ADD Child Bill of Rights
"Help me to Focus" Please teach me through my sense of "touch." I need "hands on" and body movement
"I need to know what comes next"
Please give me a structured environment where there is a dependable routine. Give me an advanced warning if there will be changes.
"Wait for me, I'm still thinking"
Please allow me to go at my own pace. If I rush, I get confused and upset.
"I'm stuck, I can't do it!"
Please offer me options for problem-solving. I need to know the detours when the road is blocked.
“Is it right? I need to know NOW!”
Please give me rich and immediate feedback on how I’m doing.
“I didn’t forget, I didn’t ‘hear’ it in the first place”
Please give me direction one step at a time and ask me to say back what I think you said.
“I didn’t know I WASN’T in my seat!”
Please remind me to stop, think and act.
“Am I almost done now?”
Please give me short work periods with short term goals.
“I know, it’s ALL wrong, isn’t it?”
Please give me praise for partial success. Reward me for self-improvement, not just perfection.
“But why do I always get yelled at?”
Please catch me doing something right and praise me for my specific positive behaviour. Remind me (and yourself) about my good points, when I’m having a bad day.
Reprinted from the Newsletter of The Delaware Association For The Education of Young Children, Winter 1993-1994) 1991, Ruth Harris, Northwest Reading Clinic An. A.D.D. Child's Bill of Rights.
"I need to know what comes next"
Please give me a structured environment where there is a dependable routine. Give me an advanced warning if there will be changes.
"Wait for me, I'm still thinking"
Please allow me to go at my own pace. If I rush, I get confused and upset.
"I'm stuck, I can't do it!"
Please offer me options for problem-solving. I need to know the detours when the road is blocked.
“Is it right? I need to know NOW!”
Please give me rich and immediate feedback on how I’m doing.
“I didn’t forget, I didn’t ‘hear’ it in the first place”
Please give me direction one step at a time and ask me to say back what I think you said.
“I didn’t know I WASN’T in my seat!”
Please remind me to stop, think and act.
“Am I almost done now?”
Please give me short work periods with short term goals.
“I know, it’s ALL wrong, isn’t it?”
Please give me praise for partial success. Reward me for self-improvement, not just perfection.
“But why do I always get yelled at?”
Please catch me doing something right and praise me for my specific positive behaviour. Remind me (and yourself) about my good points, when I’m having a bad day.
Reprinted from the Newsletter of The Delaware Association For The Education of Young Children, Winter 1993-1994) 1991, Ruth Harris, Northwest Reading Clinic An. A.D.D. Child's Bill of Rights.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Welcome to Holland
This is one of my favorite stories, and I think it sums it up perfectly. To those who have never heard it, I hope you love it too.
Welcome to Holland by Emily Perl Kingsley.
c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.
Welcome to Holland by Emily Perl Kingsley.
c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.
The Gorilla on my Back
One of my kids was going to Art therapy for a while. It was an imaginative, creative and beautiful experience.
We have difficulty with our morning routines. When medication has not kicked in, it is difficult and sometimes close to impossible for my son to get dressed, make his bed, brush teeth, eat breakfast, get his school bag (with all of his homework in it), grab his lunch, coat, and get into the car. All this and hopefully not hit, spit or irritate anyone else in the morning. Never mind not leaving a trail of clothes from my room, bathroom floor, living room floor and even a piece of clothing on the kitchen floor.
Most mornings one out of 5 people in our home is upset, irritated or simply in a bad mood as a result of the energy in the home, and that is almost never Mr. A.D.D.
At art-play therapy it was explained that he should choose an animal figurine to be his A.D.D., his energy, and so appropriately he chose a gorilla. The idea is that the same way a gorilla takes up a lot of space, so does his energy in the morning. They take up so much space that there is hardly any room for anyone else. When you have a gorilla on your back you really do need to take it outside.
So, the plan was that he would take his medication, and then get dressed and take both our dog, and his gorilla out for a walk. That way there would be enough room for the gorilla and his energy. The sweet thing for the rest of us, is that there is quiet in the house long enough for the rest of us to get dressed, the dog gets his morning walk and by the time he gets back, medication has kicked in and things proceed as normal.
We also made on the computer pictures of Gorillas with reminders of what he needs to do like, get dressed, get socks, take the dog out for a walk, etc.
Like I said this was great for us, my neighbor on the other hand, who does not get up as early as we do began commenting that she is now waking up every morning, to loud singing or loud noises, or simply his yells of good morning to their family as he walks by.
It's not perfect, but a story worth sharing.
We have difficulty with our morning routines. When medication has not kicked in, it is difficult and sometimes close to impossible for my son to get dressed, make his bed, brush teeth, eat breakfast, get his school bag (with all of his homework in it), grab his lunch, coat, and get into the car. All this and hopefully not hit, spit or irritate anyone else in the morning. Never mind not leaving a trail of clothes from my room, bathroom floor, living room floor and even a piece of clothing on the kitchen floor.
Most mornings one out of 5 people in our home is upset, irritated or simply in a bad mood as a result of the energy in the home, and that is almost never Mr. A.D.D.
At art-play therapy it was explained that he should choose an animal figurine to be his A.D.D., his energy, and so appropriately he chose a gorilla. The idea is that the same way a gorilla takes up a lot of space, so does his energy in the morning. They take up so much space that there is hardly any room for anyone else. When you have a gorilla on your back you really do need to take it outside.
So, the plan was that he would take his medication, and then get dressed and take both our dog, and his gorilla out for a walk. That way there would be enough room for the gorilla and his energy. The sweet thing for the rest of us, is that there is quiet in the house long enough for the rest of us to get dressed, the dog gets his morning walk and by the time he gets back, medication has kicked in and things proceed as normal.
We also made on the computer pictures of Gorillas with reminders of what he needs to do like, get dressed, get socks, take the dog out for a walk, etc.
Like I said this was great for us, my neighbor on the other hand, who does not get up as early as we do began commenting that she is now waking up every morning, to loud singing or loud noises, or simply his yells of good morning to their family as he walks by.
It's not perfect, but a story worth sharing.
Asking or Telling.
People learn in many different ways, rote memorization, teaching, watching, listening, they say we learn by absorbing what life offers you.
My experience has shown me that there are many strategies, tools that I can use to try to teach, or guide my children in the right direction. But what I have seen, is that kids with A.D.D. or O.D.D., tend not to take these tools, where as my children without these problems in fact take the tools and implement them into there daily lives.
At parenting class, I learned that I couldn't speak in generalities to my son, who at the time was 3 years old. So for example,I needed to understand the difference between asking and telling. "Could you clean up your room please" - really means that you are asking a question that gives him the option of saying yes or no. And of course that is not what my intent is, really I am telling him to do it without option, therefore I need to say "Clean up your room now please". With that said, there are things that I ask, which now is clear he does have an option, "Can you pick that up?", "Could you sit down with me for a while?" If I ask then I am aware that I have given him the option to say no.
Break chores down.
The same thing with chores, asking him to tidy up his room never works, it needs to be broken down. "Pick up the Lego and put them in the white box, please", when that is finished I might follow with "Now, put your blanket really nicely over your bed", and finish up with, "Please, put your dirty laundry in the hamper". This gets his room cleaned in three clear steps, without my help.
This type of clarity has helped my children a lot, the ones without these types of problems take this structure and can easily break down chores, delegate and complete things without too much trouble. My A.D.D. child will still find tidying a space to be a daunting chore.
I can only hope with years of this type of structure, they will one day be able to take these tools and apply them to their daily lives.
My experience has shown me that there are many strategies, tools that I can use to try to teach, or guide my children in the right direction. But what I have seen, is that kids with A.D.D. or O.D.D., tend not to take these tools, where as my children without these problems in fact take the tools and implement them into there daily lives.
At parenting class, I learned that I couldn't speak in generalities to my son, who at the time was 3 years old. So for example,I needed to understand the difference between asking and telling. "Could you clean up your room please" - really means that you are asking a question that gives him the option of saying yes or no. And of course that is not what my intent is, really I am telling him to do it without option, therefore I need to say "Clean up your room now please". With that said, there are things that I ask, which now is clear he does have an option, "Can you pick that up?", "Could you sit down with me for a while?" If I ask then I am aware that I have given him the option to say no.
Break chores down.
The same thing with chores, asking him to tidy up his room never works, it needs to be broken down. "Pick up the Lego and put them in the white box, please", when that is finished I might follow with "Now, put your blanket really nicely over your bed", and finish up with, "Please, put your dirty laundry in the hamper". This gets his room cleaned in three clear steps, without my help.
This type of clarity has helped my children a lot, the ones without these types of problems take this structure and can easily break down chores, delegate and complete things without too much trouble. My A.D.D. child will still find tidying a space to be a daunting chore.
I can only hope with years of this type of structure, they will one day be able to take these tools and apply them to their daily lives.
Transition.
The kids are going off to sleep away camp for the first time.
Transition has always been difficult.
At two, it was difficult going from one activity to the next. At daycare if they were finished art and going to the kitchen for snack, even though he loved both, he would have a tantrum because change is hard. Going to bed and turning off the day has been in general, always impossible.
At 5, leaving the classroom for another activity was a problem and he may return to the classroom without letting his teachers know why and where he was going.
At 8, going from school ending to summer break and vice versa was difficult, so he wouldn't go to bed, or begins to add new odd behaviors to the repertoire.
And now at 11, well just about the same thing. He can't go to bed, probably because he is nervous about going to sleep away camp. He refuses to get ready in the morning, take care of any of his chores, everything is no.
How does a person grow up into a mature, responsible member of society if they refuse to learn any responsibility. If they act as though they don't care.
I know that this is not true, I know that he cares, inside, but his actions really never show that. How will he ever connect to other people, to a wife, to a family, to friends?
Transition has always been difficult.
At two, it was difficult going from one activity to the next. At daycare if they were finished art and going to the kitchen for snack, even though he loved both, he would have a tantrum because change is hard. Going to bed and turning off the day has been in general, always impossible.
At 5, leaving the classroom for another activity was a problem and he may return to the classroom without letting his teachers know why and where he was going.
At 8, going from school ending to summer break and vice versa was difficult, so he wouldn't go to bed, or begins to add new odd behaviors to the repertoire.
And now at 11, well just about the same thing. He can't go to bed, probably because he is nervous about going to sleep away camp. He refuses to get ready in the morning, take care of any of his chores, everything is no.
How does a person grow up into a mature, responsible member of society if they refuse to learn any responsibility. If they act as though they don't care.
I know that this is not true, I know that he cares, inside, but his actions really never show that. How will he ever connect to other people, to a wife, to a family, to friends?
Every Day Begins the Same Way.
It doesn't seem to matter how many pictures, signs, reminders I put up, my son can not do what he needs to do in the morning. My children know that they need to get up, make their bed, open their blinds, get dressed, tidy their rooms, eat breakfast and take the dog for a walk (and bring baggies to pick up).
Some may think these are unreasonable expectations, or that every child is like that. But I know that is not true. Because I have other children, and I know they can.
Until medication kicks in, he can not.
It's still hard for me to think that I need to medicate my son. But it is unbelievable the difference in behavior, it is night and day. He is not the same person. Without medication, everything is NO, he can not (or is it will not) participate as a team in getting anything done around the house. He can barely get dressed, everything is done fast, erratically, loudly, impulsively, carelessly, without thought.
That is just not the case on medication. On medication, he is thoughtful, helpful, agreeable, he can say sentences that usually have a beginning, middle and end, he is kind and soft.
Our whole family compensates for him whilst he is not on medication.
It is difficult, and it makes me sad. More than not I don't like the parent I am. I don't know if I ever have the quantity of patience or kindness that he needs. This last statement may not be a reality on the outside, but it sure is how I feel on the inside.
Some may think these are unreasonable expectations, or that every child is like that. But I know that is not true. Because I have other children, and I know they can.
Until medication kicks in, he can not.
It's still hard for me to think that I need to medicate my son. But it is unbelievable the difference in behavior, it is night and day. He is not the same person. Without medication, everything is NO, he can not (or is it will not) participate as a team in getting anything done around the house. He can barely get dressed, everything is done fast, erratically, loudly, impulsively, carelessly, without thought.
That is just not the case on medication. On medication, he is thoughtful, helpful, agreeable, he can say sentences that usually have a beginning, middle and end, he is kind and soft.
Our whole family compensates for him whilst he is not on medication.
It is difficult, and it makes me sad. More than not I don't like the parent I am. I don't know if I ever have the quantity of patience or kindness that he needs. This last statement may not be a reality on the outside, but it sure is how I feel on the inside.
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